Could Your Kindness Be Making You Sick? The Power of Setting Boundaries.

Is Kindness Making You Sick?

There is ongoing Harvard research that links emotional repression, not being assertive, and an inability to say “No” to major causes of certain cancers and autoimmune diseases. In other words, “KINDNESS MIGHT BE MAKING YOU SICK”.

According to renowned Dr. and author Dr. Gabor Maté, the body operates such that if we suppress our anger, it can quickly become chronic for our bodies. It is therefore advised to practice healthy anger.

An example of healthy anger is when someone encroaches on your space, and you assertively say, “Please leave,” instead of going into a rage.

The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries

I have always heard people talk about the importance of keeping healthy boundaries. It never really occurred to me how difficult it was for some people to say ‘No’. It is actually a thing where people cannot say ‘No’ or set boundaries. Apparently, it is a trait among a type called the ‘people pleaser’. They are not necessarily the kindest people; they just want to be liked by others at the expense of their comfort, even though it makes them feel horrible afterward. Usually, when things go south between these people and the people they helped, they say things like “he used me”. When a people pleaser experiences a breakup with a horrible boyfriend (which is expected to be a good thing), they don’t see it as good, instead they get distraught because they feel used and dumped. This is what happens when you don’t set boundaries in any kind of relationship. They feel like they have lost a part of themself because they sacrificed more than they would have liked to.

Not Setting Boundaries Could Lead to the Pain of Regret

Another example is that you were working a job that was clearly toxic, with a toxic boss and crazy work hours. Finally, you get laid off- setting you free from all the heartache. You are even given a 6-month severance pay which is good enough to sustain you while you search for a good job. Instead of taking this money and running far-far away, knowing deep inside that you have the skills to get a better job, you are enraged because you are thinking to yourself, “How could they do this to me, after everything I did for the company?.” Once again these feelings of hurt mostly come up when you have acted outside your boundaries.

If you have in the past felt dejected, miserable, and depressed because you lost something or someone (I would prefer to say they lost you because you are the prize), then brace up – there will be many more of this type of hurt in your future unless you set boundaries. You have to set boundaries with your time, money, your love, and any other limited resources you have. Do not do things that you are not comfortable with, and if you do, weigh the opportunity foregone and accept it 100%. 

Protect Your Value By Setting Boundaries

I remember a few years ago, my close female friend had saved up enough money to fund her master’s program in the US. She had gotten her admission and was set to travel in 2 months – her dreams were coming to fruition after so much sacrifice. There comes her boyfriend of 1 year, fully aware of what this master’s program meant to her and he asked to borrow her saved-up funds for a business deal. He went further and asked her to delay her admission for this reason. She thought about the opportunity she was about to forgo, especially if somehow this business deal failed. Her master’s program was as important if not more important than his business deal. She had a hard time reaching a decision, but she finally decided to put herself first and go get her master’s degree. That was how she set her boundaries. People rarely treat you better than you treat yourself. It is now 15 years after this incident, and both my friend and her ex are married to different people. Imagine how much it would have hurt if she had sacrificed her dream. This kind of hurt can shatter one’s soul.

Communicate Your Boundaries at Work

If you work a job and you feel that working beyond normal work hours is much too stressful, perhaps because you have toddlers that you need to tend to, it may be wise to communicate that to your manager. I have worked in an organization before where some bosses do everything else but work during office hours and return to the office at 7 pm, sending emails and expecting their reports to respond. If you let them, they will have you working into the wee hours, and frankly, I don’t blame them. Setting boundaries here could mean totally ignoring those messages, shutting your laptop at 5 pm, or, depending on the situation, mentioning that you won’t be available to work after hours because ‘something came up’.

I personally don’t have any issues working outside work hours once in a while or as needed reasonably. I can afford to because I am not foregoing anything that is more important. I try to live a very balanced life. In the same vein, if I need a day off for a mental break, I expect it to be granted.

I have worked with people who are even scared to take their own vacation. Heck, I have been one of those people in my past life. Always make sure to take time off from work; you deserve it, and your bosses and reports will survive. That is, ‘setting boundaries’.

Inside our bodies, the immune system is fighting tooth and nail to keep us healthy every second, warding off unwanted foreign bodies. You should do the same on the outside- fighting tooth and nail against anything that goes against your principles, values or goals.

You don’t have to be aggressive about setting your boundaries, but on some rare occasions, you may have to be more assertive than most. You know that triple sneeze that happens when you mistakenly inhale something toxic? That is your body aggressively trying to get irritants out of your system. In the same way, you may have to repeatedly express your position, so it sinks in for the next person.

Communicate Your Boundaries With Friends & Family

By design, humans tend to encroach on other people’s space. This doesn’t mean we are bad. Surprisingly, we don’t know not to encroach, if you don’t tell us. That is the reason why you must set boundaries and communicate as clearly as possible when the need arises.

You can’t blame your neighbor for always leaving her kids with you on weekends while she goes partying with her friends. For all she knows, you love kids and get along well with hers. You beamed from ear to ear when she dropped her kids with you while she hurried off to catch up with her friends. You can’t go complaining in secret because she had asked you if you minded, and you said you didn’t. Your inability to say no has earned you the title of ‘neighborhood daycare center’. It won’t be long before the other neighbors hear of your magnanimity, and as most humans do, they will take advantage of it while you are suffering in silence.

In this case, jokingly or seriously, you must express your feelings.

When you don’t set boundaries, you shouldn’t get upset when people trespass. When you lay on the floor, people will step over you.

You Can be Kind And Still Have Healthy Boundaries

If you are scared of coming across as mean when you set your boundaries, well then, “Do not to be mean”. Be self-aware and make sure that your utterances reflect kindness. Remember, it’s not what you say but how you say it, unless it becomes necessary to apply more assertiveness.

Self-Love Through Boundary Setting

Setting boundaries is self-love. You must take care of yourself by setting boundaries. You are no good to yourself, let alone to anyone if you fall sick from overworking or sacrifice your happiness for anyone.

A Tip for How to Saying No

When in doubt of whether to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, just say you will think about it. Sometimes, I just say “No” and after careful thought, I will return with a yes. People are usually more grateful and appreciative when the yes comes after a no. And for you, it is a plus because now people know that ‘no’ is on the table, and as such, with you, they must be reasonable with their request.

Making Sacrifices Without Repressing Yourself

Setting boundaries doesn’t stop you from sacrificing for the people and causes you love. You can be nice and still have healthy boundaries. The type of niceness that causes you to repress yourself is the type that harms you. When you choose to make a sacrifice after weighing all the intricacies and opportunity costs, it becomes a compromise. We compromise for the people we love, for the greater good and for a good cause. But when you do compromise, expect nothing in return. Know that if things don’t go as expected, you are willing to take the lesson and move on. Don’t go making comments like “He dumped me” or  “After all, I did for you.”

What you did was for yourself and for the love you had for the person, the job, or the cause. You must take ownership.

Actions to Take Today to Set Healthy Boundaries

Now that you know the benefits of setting boundaries, we need to take the necessary next steps.

• Identify today those areas of your life where you need to apply boundaries and what you are losing by not setting these boundaries.
• Determine the level of assertiveness you need for each situation.
• Plan for a way to communicate that boundary, either verbally or otherwise.
• Practice healthy anger. Healthy anger is when someone is encroaching in your space, and you assertively say, “Please leave”, instead of going into a rage.