Life is like a wild adventure, with people risking it all, even their precious peace of mind, just to chase their goals. But amidst the chaos, I can’t help but wonder: ‘Are we pausing to ask ourselves the real questions?’ ‘Do we truly understand why we crave what we’re chasing, or are we simply following the herd?’
There is a lot of noise, no doubt, in the world today about what should and shouldn’t be, and that is why it is imperative to ask yourself the right questions every time you find yourself at one of life’s crossroads. At one such crossroads for me more recently, I got to realize that I didn’t care much for career growth as I did about having financial freedom. Meaning that I didn’t care about the titles—becoming a manager, having people report to me, and climbing the corporate ladder—and just wanted to earn more money without having to deal with office politics. It might sound unambitious to some people, and to tell you the truth, I have had to explain this stance of mine severally to family and friends when I ditched a managerial position in one company and became a contractor at the next.
The kinds of questions we should be asking ourselves vary greatly depending on what stage we are in life. I have gotten to the stage in my life now where I am asking these questions:
‘Do I really want to get married?’
‘Why do I want to get married?’
‘Do I want kids?’
‘Why do I want kids?’
‘What do I want to be remembered for?’
‘Do I want to work a job I hate and make more money or do what I love and make less?’
For the most part, the answers to these questions for most people mirror an earlier profound experience in their life. A person who has lived in abject poverty and has felt its throes would be wont to choose more money over everything else. In the same vein, I have heard about people who have opted out of having kids because of their very traumatic childhood. A good amount of people, however, just go with what society dictates and are surprised when they feel a void throughout their life.
This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. ‘
Polonius
I had a discussion with a friend who expressed his displeasure with life. He was 40 years old, unmarried, and with no kids. Everything else seems to be going pretty great in his career. He went on to say he felt a deep void whenever he saw his ‘mates’ who were married with their kids. He emphasized this further by saying when he gets invited to their kid’s birthday parties, he makes excuses to opt out of attending.
Many people engage in mental and verbal comparison to the proverbial ‘my mates’ especially when they perceive their situation to be subpar. “Sub-par by what standards?” I might want to ask. We seem to have forgotten that we have mates who are ‘6 feet under’ and not of their own choosing.
“Would it have made you feel better if all your friends were still single?” I asked, trying to understand the true reason why he felt distressed in spite of all the exceptional things that had happened to him in the last few years.
And maybe the answer to the question would have been a yes for him. Maybe he really just wanted a family of his own regardless of what his friends had. But I tell you, the majority of us, when we ask ourselves these ‘right questions’ and are sincere with our answers, we discover that the struggle and the pursuits we have embarked on in life are, in fact, the ones that society has dictated and deviates greatly from what we need to feel accomplished.
There is a tendency to want to compare yourself with others. I have been guilty of this, as a matter of fact. I am in my mid-thirties, and my favorite pastime these days has been studying the biographies of very successful news anchors and actresses like Viola Davis, Angela Bassett, Erin Brunett, and Christiane Amanpour, who started their families later in life and are now excelling consistently. Kamala Harris, Vice President of the most powerful country in the world, got married at 50 and doesn’t have any biological children, either by choice or otherwise. For some twisted reason, it gives me some succor, perhaps giving me the feeling of being in good company, so to speak. But even at that, I will be missing the point of towing my unique path in life if I do not ask myself the right questions.
Blocking out the noise of the world and asking, “Is marriage and kids what I really want? Or should I just focus solely on my career? Am I prepared to make a home? Will it make me fulfilled? Is this my life’s purpose? In my last days, is this a decision I would regret not taking?”
Nuns do this, I would like to believe. To dedicate one’s life to God with such absoluteness—no kids, no husband or partner.
Coming from a society like mine, where you literally get judged by societal standards, it can become a struggle to listen to your inner voice. People have rushed into loveless marriages and lived lives of woe in a bid not to miss the ’30-year’ mark society has set for hitching a husband and having children, lest you are judged. A society where if you didn’t study medicine, engineering, or law, you were considered a failure. Did I mention that I am from West Africa?
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
Anonymous
If you do nothing today, I implore you to take a step back in the major areas of your life, be it a career or relationships—stay still; block the noise; and ask yourself, “Is this what I really want, or what society wants for me?” Then sit calmly and listen. Trust me, society doesn’t know what is best for an individual, and we all happen to be as different from each other as our DNAs are.
This reminds me of an interesting story I grew up on—about a man who started out climbing the tree of life dictated by society with all the gusto and efficacy he could muster, only to get to the top and discover he was climbing the wrong tree—some other person’s tree, perhaps. What do you think he would do? Either stay up there and be miserable or come down from the tree and do all the work to determine which tree is his and set out to climb yet again.
You have the choice today to determine what tree is yours—hopefully, you are not at the top of someone’s tree, living a life that isn’t yours.
A lot of introspection and self-reflection guided by asking yourself some real questions and answering with some hard truths is the way to go. Connecting with our source daily (God) to make sure we are on the right path crowns it all.
So once again, if the question you are asking yourself this day is “What will people say?” rather than “What do I really want for myself and for my life (because life has no duplicate)?” then I would like to remind you of how quickly society moves on with its own activities after you are gone and buried. Society doesn’t care as much as you think.
